I'm going to attempt an art mastered by HJE's Bad Kermit: the Mailbag Mockery. This week, Paul Sullivan will not be answering his reader's e-mails--most likely because one of the players put him in a team locker after stealing his lunch money--so he's handed the duties over to the Cubs' own Cajun sensation, Ryan Theriot. Sadly, these are probably the rejects from Carrie Muskat's "Muskbag." If you've ever wanted to know all of Ryan's feelings on his nickname or perhaps what it's like for two midgets to fight, read on..."Ryan, Who was the first person to call you "The Riot"? I think it's fitting since everyone says if the Cubs win the World Series there would be a riot in the city. -- Patrick Blaney, Johnsburg"
Surely, if the Cubs were to win the World Series, it would be thanks to that 5'11" (no way that's right), 175 pound frame of Theriot when he comes up with 2 outs in the 9th during Game 7 and laces a opposite field, bloop single to win it.
I'm just going to go ahead and say it was Len and Bob.
"THE RIOT: Len and Bob like to take credit for it, but it wasn't Len and Bob. My pop says I've been called that my whole life, but I don't really remember it. I hope you don't riot."
"Ryan, How do you feel about being known as 'The Riot'? My wife loves saying it and because of it, you're one of her favorite players (that is, one of the players whose name she can remember). How much rioting do you think would go on if the Cubs won the Series? -- John M., Silver Spring, Md."
See what he did there? Riot. Rioting. Oh John M., you are a riot. Also, when your wife loves saying 'The Riot' in bed, it's time to start asking some other questions.
"THE RIOT: Really, I don't mind it. But I'm personable. I like to call people by their first names as much as I can. But fans have fun it with, so it's cool."You don't call DeRosa "The Pulse," Samardzija "Shark," Soriano "The Fonz," or Marquis "The Jew"? Clearly there are communication problems in the Cubs clubhouse.
"Hey Ryan - congratulations on a great season so far. Tell us about the finger-wagging towards the dugout you guys do after getting on base. What's that all about? -- Juan, Evanston"I'm assuming this only happens when Marquis is on the mound, and they're trying to get back yet another lead that he's blown. I'm also assuming I know what finger they're wagging.
"THE RIOT: Thanks, Juan. The finger-wagging is just kind of like a congratulations thing. It keeps everybody in the game, just to say 'nice job.' Whoever is in the dugout jumping up there giving it to you -- you're giving it back to him."Edmonds and DeRosa have the same motto in the showers.
"Riot, who wins a fight between you and Fontenot? If you two teamed up, do you think you could take Zambrano out? Inquiring minds want to know... -- Erik Burgio, San Francisco"Erik Burgio must be starting his own Fight Club out in San Francisco.
"THE RIOT: I'd beat Font's butt, though Z might kill us. But I think Z likes me, or at least I hope he does. I would never fight Font, but if I did, I'd hammer him, and he knows that."
When Zambrano is pitching, he and Theriot need to start their own ritual where after every third out, Theriot jumps onto Z's back and is carried into the dugout.
Also, Ted Lilly takes great offense to your Zambrano death threats.
"I know you love your teammates and you love playing with them, but how do you stay so consistent at the dish and most importantly, at short, knowing that there isn't a "set" 2nd baseman? -- Kevin D., Rockford"I'm not sure how Kevin D. thinks multiple second basemen would affect Theriot at the plate, but as for playing defense, I'm sure the only difference is when Ronny is playing second, he worries that while trying to turn a double-play, the little guy will trip over the bag and start to cry.
"THE RIOT: That's a good question, Kevin D. Mike and DeRo are pretty similar, and I mean that defensively. Ronny is a very athletic player, and he covers a lot of ground. There are times when Ronny is out there where I don't have to move as much. He can do a lot of things. You just have to know who's out there, and their limitations, and what they can and can't do."
Don't encourage him, Ryan.
"Ryan, recently when your LSU college team was playing one of the last games at Alex Box Stadium, the radio broadcasters were telling stories about memorable games there. One story mentioned a game in which the LSU bullpen had been completely used up in a blowout. LSU coach Skip Bertman asked the infielders if anyone wanted to pitch, and you offered to take the mound. Is this story true? Does Lou know about your pitching experience? Is Zambrano worried? -- LSU Baseball Fan, Chicago"The guy is so ashamed to be a fan of LSU baseball that he won't even give out his name. Also, Scott Spiezio once pitched for a major league team, and we all know what happened to him.
"THE RIOT: Yes it's true. Everyone knows that I've pitched. I make sure of that. I have nine different pitches, all of which are awesome. I have a 0.00 ERA, got one out, throwing all knuckleballs. I don't remember who I faced -- some dude from Ole Miss."I think Ron Santo copy and pasted your scouting report for every pitcher in baseball.
"Hey, What game stands out the most during your Cub career so far? -- Brian Berns, Springfield"
I'm going to guess none of them from about July through October of last year.
"THE RIOT: Easy, Brian. The day we clinched the division last year in Cincy."Duh, Brian! Oh wait…
"My college roommate last year was also my college linemate on the school's hockey team. I couldn't imagine playing with him on the Blackhawks as well. What is it like to play with Mike Fontenot (pocket rocket) this many years later with the Cubs? -- KC Madock, Oak Park"Unfortunately for you, the Blackhawks generally don't send scouts to College of DuPage.
"THE RIOT: It's a lot of fun, KC. We won together at LSU, and hopefully we can do it here too. We were close in college, but we were all close, the whole team. College is different. Everybody is there just to play baseball. Nobody has families or wives, and you're not getting paid. So you hang out with your teammates every day, and you know all of them and you're friends with all of them."There's also plenty of experimenting, all with your teammates. Every day. All of them.
"Hi Ryan, just a simple question. What kind of music do you listen to? -- Danny, Haltom City, Texas"If it's anyone other than Len & Bob, I'm going to make sure Ted Lilly is waiting for you in your trunk.
"THE RIOT: Simple answer, Danny: 'Lil Wayne."I now hate you more than any other player in Cubs history.
"Knowing your teammates as well as you do and considering you're filling in for beat writer Paul Sullivan, can you put on your reporter hat for us and give us the best story/angle that has gone unreported of any Cub inside the clubhouse? -- Brent, Chicago"I'm not sure if the Tribune has a "No Ghey Stuff" policy.
"THE RIOT: DeRosa's biceps. Just look at 'em. He's built like a pro wrestler. No, he's built like a Greek god. We used to have some competition going, but not anymore. I've shrunk."I guess not…
"Riot, who do you think is the greatest shortstop of all time? Who was your favorite when you were growing up? -- Parker Owens, West Palm Beach, Fla."Judging by his "Similar Batters," I'm going to say Einar Diaz.
"THE RIOT: Ozzie Smith, 4 sure. Whenever I could watch him on TV, I did."Ozzie Smith? 4 realz?
"What would you be doing for a living if you weren't in baseball? -- Brent McNaught, Winnipeg, Manitoba"Please say, "Causing a Riot." Please say, "Causing a Riot." Please say, "Causing a Riot."
"THE RIOT: Nothing. Well, maybe a game warden. When I was at LSU, before I changed my major to business, I was in agriculture."DAMN!
"Can I take you to dinner? -- Briana, Albuquerque, N.M."I hope you attached a topless picture to your e-mail.
"THE RIOT: Ask my wife."No thanks.
"Ryan, who on the Cubs team is most likely to win Last Comic Standing? -- Nick, Carmel, Ind."Scott Eyre…oh, too soon?
"THE RIOT: Demp. He's hilarious. He's going to do some improv stuff in a couple weeks at Second City. You know we'll be there for that one."Oh that is going to be EPIC! If anyone has any information on this, please spread the word.
"Ryan, After reading all the things about Jim Edmonds and his ego ... from reading his quotes after games he seems like a good guy and would make the team stronger. His on field helps speaks for itself, but how has he helped in the clubhouse? -- JR, Omaha"He always seems to bring smiles to the clubhouse when he brings one of his many collies with him.
"THE RIOT: Jim is a great veteran presence, and that's given us a bit of an edge. I don't know what people expected, but I expected a great hitter and a great player, and that's what he is."Jim has also done wonders for DeRosa's sex life.
"Riot -- The majority of your hits this year have gone to right field. How much of that is trying to go to the opposite field, and how much is taking what the pitchers give you? -- James, Chicago"It must be taking what the pitchers give him. Teams have learned to fear the outcome when they leave a pitch middle-in for "The Riot."
"THE RIOT: It's just where the ball goes when I hit it."Slow bat speed and no muscle will do that.
"Ryan -- I named my cat, Theriot after you. But when his name is read, at the vet or whatever, it is often mispronounced, does this often happen to you? Also do you find it weird or flattering that a cat is named after you? Keep up the good work this season! -- Wes, Savannah, Ga."Let me think here. Ryan's last name is Theriot. The cat's name is Theriot. When the cat's name is read, it is mispronounced. I'm pretty sure there's a mathematic formula to tell me what to expect when anyone reads the name "Theriot." I'll put my Sabremetric guys on it.
"THE RIOT: Thanks, Wes. Actually, my name gets messed up all the time. Cats are cool, so it's OK that your cat is named Theriot. That's the first time I've heard of a cat being named after me."The cat, however, will never be able to successfully run after and catch a ball of yarn.
"THE RIOT: Thanks to everyone for all the questions."No Ryan, thank you.
